The Least Motivational Running Post. Ever.

There is a deep confession that I must make.  I do not follow a nutrition plan.  I love food–all aspects, all portions (as long as they are big), and all types (except if they have olives, sometimes bits of ginger, and always Thai eggplants), and all times.  After a run, good God, my voracity is about as horrifying as any gratuitously violent film that has ever been released (it is possibly equivalent to Cannibal Holocaust), and my regard for what nutrients (or lack thereof) that I ingest gets shut out of my mind.

People whom I have spoken to have asked, on occasion, how I eat.  Stuff like quinoa, kale, chickpea, tofu, almond milk (okay, that I do drink).  Avoid red meats, corn syrup, mass produced factory snacks, Doritos, and other clearly unhealthy things.

For that, I refer to Matthew Inman:


No truer words have been spoken

But before I go further, I wish to include a recap of my workout last week:

Last week, I ran all of my required runs, even with moderately achy ankles.  It has been a struggle, especially because these setbacks have made me more susceptible to repeated injury.  Back in 2007, when I was in Drexel,  I can remember going to the PT center after a seriously sprain when I fell off the lifeguard stand and rolled on my left foot.  They put me in a brace and had me on crutches for a week.  Afterwards, I was forced to do PT for two months.  On my first session, the doctor introduced me to isometric exercises, and was positively shocked when I dorsiflexed my feet.  I once thought that it was commonplace, being able to flex your foot all the way up; Apparently this was an indication that my ligaments were too loose.  The doctor immediately had me do isometric exercises with the resistance bands.

So with a higher risk of seriously tearing up my ankles, and with the icy conditions on the roads, it has been pretty tough.  I skipped running these past few Mondays due to the snow, and forced myself to run every Tuesday instead.  It has taken a toll, especially today, on the feet because I have been doubling up.  But honestly, these are aches that have happened and I have run through worse.

Tuesday:  5 miles at a steady pace with 8 strides.  5.82 mi.

Wednesday: 8×600 at 2:50.  4.58 mi.

Friday: 40 minutes easy.  3.8 mi.

Saturday: 8 miles easy.  7.78 mi.  I incorporated this into a class that I was leading for a long run.  So I really took an easy pace.  Also, I opted to do so to minimize strain.

Yesterday’s icy conditions prevented me from running, so I chose to run today.  It felt great, though again the ankles started to ache.  It felt like a struggle in the last miles of my 5 mile steady pace, but once I got to the 8 sets of strides I felt rather confident.  Coach Pat reckons I can pull a nice 8:24 pace for Sunday, but as this will be a milestone race to gauge my progress, we both agreed that the best strategy for the Cherry Tree 10 Miler would be to work on negative splits.

Which leads me back to food.  After Assistant Coaching, and after an exhaustive training workout, I was starved.  This was after having eaten a Big Chicken Salad sub from Pot Belly (adorned with peppers, pickle, onions, lettuce, tomato, and mustard.  Hold the mayo, I am no pig) that I split before and after my run, and a McDonalds breakfast.  I rationalized that being outside and “running” with the group for about a half mile qualified as a necessity to eat, and so I debated my options.  Did I want ice cream?  Maybe, but there were no ice cream parlors, and I had already had McDonalds earlier–did I want to get ice cream from there as well?  Then perhaps Chipotle?

But then recalled something quite divine.

Some time last week I was watching a clip from Inglorious Basterds (do you see where I’m going with this?).  The memorable moment in that film, among others, was an intense scene in a French bistro, where a Nazi Colonel has invited a woman to have dessert.  Unbeknownst to him, she is a Jew who narrowly escaped death when he orders her entire family killed by troops and had adopted a new guise.  Throughout the conversation, however, it becomes quite clear that, first, she is becoming more and more terrified that he may learn more about her than she wishes him to know, and also that the Colonel may actually know more about her identity than we all may have expected.  And, against all of this immense tension, I could not help but want what they were eating: apple strudel.  The ADR mixer was masterful, undercutting the conversation with the gentle clinking of silverware against china, the soft puff of air from a spoonful of whipped cream, the sound of the dollop as it landed on the strudel, and the satisfied chewing and deep breath of subtle delight with a mouthful of the pastry.


Oh, it was definitely a delight.  And after a week of running with having no sweets, this was a joy to behold.  I am no saint: I have tried following a nutrition plan before, and I could not keep up with it.  To me, running permits me to enjoy other luxuries: Beer, junk food, McDonalds (I don’t lump that with junk food…it is in a category of its own), 2 dozen oysters (yes, I have done it), 3 or 4 bowls of WHITE rice, Dairy Queen Blizzards, Golden Corral…these are prizes to behold!  I worked hard to get my ass into shape, and I reward myself by breaking myself even!

Before I end this delightfully uninformative and (absolutely) unhelpful post, I thought I would share with you a hard-searched poem that I had written a few years back.  If I recall, this may have been written around 3 years ago, and to this day it is a treasure.  Pulitzer award-winning, I would say.  I am actually intending to make this my art project starting tomorrow.  Enjoy!

Better than First Place

There’s nothing like a distance race to make you think of food.
Countless miles of hunger pangs and you’ll crave more than GU.
Your stomach grumbles and it tumbles as you attempt a smile.
That was the case for my suffering pace as I began my final mile.

No way in hell would things be swell unless I had a bite
of juicy burgers or corned beef hash to fill me with delight.
But something even more delicious crossed my mind instead,
and crossing the line around just past nine I went on straight ahead…

To WAFFLE HOUSE, the sacred shrine that now felt like a church
for all the greatest meals and deals that all the world could search.
Hash browns, waffles, bacon, steak, eggs, and maybe grits
all covered in that special coat of Crisco and greasy bits.

The waitress came with pen and pad and I recited with a smile
The greatest dish that I could wish after running thirteen miles:
“Onions, mushrooms, diced tomatoes, bacon bits and ham,
Cheese, gravy, jalapenos, smothered with fried eggs.” BAM.

“Dump them down on some hash browns and a side of Tabasco Sauce.
And by the way, for the hash browns, combine two together.” BOSS.
Every morsel of that dish could have killed a dinosaur,
But after licking up the scraps I wished there still’d been more.

That was the greatest meal ever, bar none, tried and true.
And if you disagree with me, we’ll go back. I’ll order too.


Enough About the Cold, How about Your Toenails?

There is a memorable part in the film Titanic where, in a desperate rush to save her beloved Jack, Rose takes the plunge into the freezing waters rising steadily in the lower third class corridors of the sinking ship.  I later learned on IMDB that the audible gasp of shock that actress Kate Winslet let out was one of absolute surprise; director James Cameron had never told her that the set’s water, while far from the 30-40 degrees of the actual Atlantic that fateful night, was certainly below 70.

I say this because that very shock struck me this morning as I stepped outside for the first time.  I had once thought (like, 3 weeks ago) that I had “braved” the cold, and had known what it was like to be out there.  But the brick wall that I smacked headlong into was like plunging my head into a handful of water as I washed my face.  This was happening even under six layers of wool, fleece, and polyester.  In the car, the thermometer read 12 degrees.  Central Park, however, was going to be 3 below with the wind chill.

I am writing this as I make my way to class.  I am coaching as a sub today, but the distance is going to be perfect for my run today as well.  40 minutes easy for me, 3.5 miles for these runners.  It is a beginner level group, which means a nice spread of runners going about 10-13 minutes per mile.  I cannot recall the weather being so cold, so I don’t exactly know how many will show up.  I would be pretty impressed if even a handful show up, and I would not blame the rest if they did not.  Even for me, this is, in the most descriptive of terms, pretty fucking cold.

The run was as expected: very easy, timing around 6:30 at my fastest, but for the most part keeping in pace with the class.  It was actually nice, a good mix of fast and easy all rolled into a nice 3.5 mile course.  I talked the entire time, directing the runners on where to go, reminding them to pace themselves, joking about the cold, eagerly sharing my running history and the casualties along the way.  From the blackened toenails of last May’s North Face Endurance Challenge 10k, to the bleeding toe sliced by my third toenail at mile 12 of the Philadelphia Half, no injury was overlooked.  It grossed them out, more than likely, but I hoped that it certainly entertained them.  It at least kept me distracted.